I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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