Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
