Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
