Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
