next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
