please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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