The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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