Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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