I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
