my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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