theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
