I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
