i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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