Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
