she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Of course I have a pirate flag
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
