Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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