You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
