i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
