Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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