boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
