dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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