Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
