Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
