dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
