If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
