The maid of honor just puked.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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