and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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