She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
