theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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