I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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