It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
