We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
