It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
