I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
