plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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