Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
