Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
