At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
