These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
3pm strippers are depressing
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
