No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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