why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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