remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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