On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
