I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
