Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think I won the penis lottery.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
