Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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