dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
