you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
