dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
