My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
