idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
