I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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