we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
