I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
