my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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